It's Me and My Loves: Love #1

the journey began...

so, after settling in my bed, i was told not to move for at least 6 hours. they also informed me that my baby was in NICU for the time being. i was still drugged up, so i didnt inquire much at that time, not even how my baby was feeding. after being left alone, i fell asleep.

then at around 4.00am, i was awaken by the nurse, saying that my baby wanted to nurse. she helped adjusted my position on the bed, and lied my baby next to me. as i had no experience with breastfeeding, she showed me how to position myself and my baby. needless to say it was awkward. i wasnt even sure if i had any milk for her. after she let go, i finally had a good look of her. her thick hair, scrunched up cute lil face, and just adorable yawn. im in love!

did i mentioned im prone to being panicky?

as we lay down together drifting off to lalaland, my lil girl gave a tiny cough and vomited a bit. heh. panicked again! i sat up instantly, and proceeded to vomit myself.

darnnit!

one of the thing im upset with with GH is that there was no call / emergency button equipped with the patient's bed. panicking with us both vomiting, i tried calling for the nurse. my bed was closer to the window, which means im quite inside from the aisle. its freaking 4.00ish am, so i dont want to yell just quite yet. somehow, a nurse heard my calling and came to help. she put my baby back into her crib, and a cleaner came to clear my mess. next i realized it was bright already outside.

babah changed her first diaper!!

thank you Allah for this precious gem

atok met baby! see the hair!!!

to cut the story short, hubby came, my family came, the in-laws came, it was quite a day. all the while my baby girl slept oblivious to the world around her. it was that night the depression started. it turned out that i had no milk, and she was only sucking my breast without any produce the whole day. that night, she cried because she's hungry. and it broke my heard when i came to realized the truth. i too cried - felt sooo helpless and worthless. i was so proud and determined to fully breastfeed my baby, but i cant even make it past 24 hours of her life. she finally quiet down a bit after i fed her plain water after the mother next bed adviced me so. i will tell you NOT to do that.

i've never felt so bad as i did that time. (i'll put this into another separate part).

i stayed for 3 days in the hospital. the morning of my discharge, the NICU nurse took my baby for final check-up, but i was told the news all new mothers dreaded. she has jaundice. and she cant come home with me. i remembered feeling so.....heartbroken. my tears were my new best friend. that afternoon mr.hubby & my mom came to pick me up. after all the paperwork done, i went to NICU to see my baby, but in my grief and teary eyes, i couldnt spot her! thank god mr.hubby was calmer and directed me to her. oh Allah! i still get teary even writing this!!

so, i went home, leaving my baby with the doctor's care.

i left the tag on, saying i wasnt 'home' until my baby is too

it was 2 days later that the NICU called and told us our baby was cleared and can come home. SYUKRAN JAZILAN!!!! thank you Allah!!! my baby can come home!!

mommy new love!

but my excitement was short lived because the local nurse thatcame and visit us said she's 'yellowish' and had us to go to hospital for check-up. we did (im a first tome mother, but i learnt my lesson), and when the blood result came, the pediatric department called up at 10.00pm and forced us to bring baby girl to be admitted. at 11.00pm! mr.hubby tried to reason with her, asking whether we can go in the morning, but no.

so, out we go, and my tears resupplied. we stayed for 2 days in pedia, before the doctor released my baby home. in the 2 days time, i learnt what postnatal depression is. and it is not to be taken lightly. it felt like there were several other me, all feeling differently. it was the second night that i broke down, in the dark, my baby cried of hunger. the nurse, up till this day, i was forever thankful. she took my baby, fed her formula, and gave me painkiller and told me to rest first. and i did, slept till someone woke me.

we went home, finally. there were check-ups and appointments, but at least we're nt confined to the ward or hospital anymore. there were more downs afterward, with babygirl having colic, but in the end, i managed to get by. we managed. till this day, with #babyiman too in the house, i am learning everyday on how to be a mother, better and better.